The Scar
Tesco’s supermarket. Her usual Wednesday slot. She found it much quieter midweek meaning she could whizz through without too much hassle. She had had enough of that recently. Pondering which cheese would go best on her jacket potato from the vast array before her, she was not surprised to hear the wail of a bored child nearby. Instantly her hand flew to her tummy the gesture still instinctive. Then she remembered, all that was left of Maisie now was the incision across her stomach. It gave evidence against her, burning into her body with the intensity of an inferno, proclaiming she was a failure.
The third cycle of IVF had finally borne fruit but when the time came she was unable to bring the baby into the world. Amid a whirlwind of white she had been transported into theatre; she and Maisie had been separated, but all too late. After twenty hours of agony the operation had taken just twenty minutes. Instead of the screams of a newborn there had been silence. The quiet doctor’s voice counting the compressions. All in vain, the only screams in theatre that day were Jane’s. The scar would remain, faded already from a livid red to a dirty brown – a smile carved into her skin permanently, even the skin around it had puckered around distaste of the memory of what had been lost.
She tried to concentrate on the cheese. The counsellor had told her it would take time to heal; avoid dwelling on what might have been. Of course the kindly woman with the rosy cheeks had children and, despite her protestations to the contrary, Jane felt sure that she couldn’t understand what Jane was going through. How could she? She had her family completed, hadn’t lost everything at the last minute. Jane was in a desolate place for, when they had taken Maisie from her, they had also taken her womanhood – a last resort they had said, lifesaving measures; but, on a post-natal ward for four days watching the new Mums fondling and fussing over their new bundles. They had put her in a side room, of course, but that didn’t prevent her from hearing the crying, the visitors exclaiming over the new family member or the sound of the trolleys going past carrying a new mother and a new life.
Jane’s hopes had been crushed before they had taken flight; the excitement, the preparation lost in the smell of lilies, the sound of ‘Abide By Me’ and the first and last journey of Maisie in a china white coffin. The worst thing of all was the look on the registrar’s face when she and Peter had registered both the birth and death, unable to look them in the eye, desperate not to smile and upset them. Jane had been unable to miss the fleeting look she had given to the framed photograph on her desk. No doubt a picture of her treasured family, something Jane could never have. The last thing she wanted to cope with was other’s people guilt because their families were living especially strangers who pitied this husk of a woman before them. How could the counsellor understand all that?
Pete had declined counselling, he wanted to move on. He declared it wasn’t done for a man to cry but the raw emotion was too much for Jane to cope with alone. She waited the six weeks until, according to the medical profession she was pronounced healed, no stitches left to dissolve, no infections and nothing else they could do. If only they knew how deep the scar really went. The waiting room walls of the clinics had reminded her of sand on a desert island echoing how she felt, alone and small the victim of a shipwreck. No partner holding her hand, coping alone, Pete was always busy. The truth was he wanted to be there for Jane but his grief prevented him from reaching out. Instead he lashed out, blaming himself for not intervening. Jane had missed the tears that had flown when the nurses’ face had told him all he needed to know. Now attack was the best form of defence.
Jane was shocked out of her waking nightmare by a small hand grasping hers and a moon white face peering up, stained with red blotches caused by sobbing.
“I n..need my m...umm..y “said the girl, her voice hitching through the sobs, “I was only g..etting the e..e...ggs.”
Jane was knocked for six; the girl looked about three, and had clearly got separated from her mother during shopping. Why she had chosen Jane to latch onto was anyone’s guess; probably the uniform blue clothes Jane had taken to wearing. They must have reminded the girl of the staff, safety. An idea flashed into Jane’s brain: the girl was clinging to her desperately, what if she just left and took the girl with her – they had talked about adopting, the girl’s mother clearly couldn’t be trusted letting something so precious out of her sight. Perhaps she could be the one to start the true healing process. As quickly as she had thought it Jane dismissed the notion. She couldn’t put another mother through what she had suffered; the pain and agony of a life that promised so much, the world at its feet then the dream snatched away without warning. Still, it was scary how easy it would be and how easily her brain had picked up on a horrific idea. Was she really that needy now? Trying to regain her composure and aware the girl was squeezing her hand in earnest again she knew she needed to pay attention to the situation at hand.
‘We’ll find someone who works here’ she muttered looking around for a member of staff, usually they were all over the place unloading vast crates of stock just when you were trying to look at something or get your trolley past. Seeing no-one she began to walk away to look around the next aisle.
‘Don’t leave me’
‘I’ll just be in a minute,’ the girl was crying again and Jane knew she couldn’t leave her in that state. Perhaps the girls tears had distracted Jane from her own troubles or perhaps she just needed to connect with another person. She knew she had to take control.
“What’s your name? And your Mum’s?” Jane asked, trying to distract the girl, still hoping to find a member of staff to offload the girl to. .
Her sobs gradually stifling the girl answered, “Rose, and my Mum’s Claire, she was by the sausages and now she’s.. .g...one” the floodgates opened once again. Compassion moved Jane to find a tissue and help the girl blow her nose and she tried to give what she hoped was a reassuring pat on the head, she looked up in time to see a woman rushing headlong towards them, her panic written across her face Jane knew instinctively this must be Claire.
“Rose, how many times have I told you not to wander off and not to talk to strangers, come here” Despite her Mother’s anger, the girl had let go of Jane’s hand as soon as she had come into sight. Now she was hugged and near-on smothered as mother and child merged in a sea of pink and white as their tears mingled.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply there was something wrong with you; I hope she didn’t bother you too much. You hear such stories” Claire said to Jane, who mustered a guilty smile in reply. Jane just wanted to escape, the first thing she had noticed about Claire was the bump protruding over her trousers. After more thanks and Claire managing to stop the gasping sobs the pair were on their way and Jane was left alone again. Her scar felt as if it was burning, emblazoning a mark through her clothes, psychological scarring it was called apparently! She looked at her trolley full of convenience food and easy to cook meats, how different from just a few weeks ago when fruit, vegetables and home cooked food had been the order of the day. That was when there was something to care about, nurture. She pushed the trolley wanting now to finish as quickly as possible. As she headed to the checkout she passed by the wine aisle and as there were now no restrictions on her alcohol intake and Pete was bound to be late again she added a Chardonnay and a Shiraz. Having finally got through the checkout she felt too washed out to face lunch in a cold, empty home and so settled for the supermarket cafe; it might not be the best in the world but the jacket potato would keep and at least she would be surrounded by people. Selecting a salad and a chocolate muffin and coffee she headed to a corner table offering her a view of the car park where she could people watch. Humanity passed before her and she was amused by the antics she saw, she had begun dividing people into categories, car park crawlers, the ones that couldn’t be bothered to walk and drove around until they found a space near the entrance. The ones that had to park away from absolutely everything, she laughed at how some of them still managed to mess it up and park across two spaces, and the over confident, those who whizzed into a space in one flashy manoeuvre only to spend the next five minutes constantly reversing and pulling forward to ensure they were straight; there were more categories of course and just watching distracted her from her own depressing thoughts.
“Hello again” said a voice nearby. Startled Jane looked up to see Claire and a beaming Rose next to her, her heart sank as her scar began to burn again. She marvelled at how the girl had changed from the snivelling wreck she had met earlier. The smile she flashed made her blue eyes dance and her hair fell in natural ringlets framing her pretty face. Forcing a smile in return and trying to remember that she must not push people away, even pregnant ones, she heard herself say “well someone looks a lot happier now they have their Mummy back.” Rose just nodded and Claire a little red in the cheeks apologised again for Rose bothering Jane. Assuring her she had been no trouble Jane expected them to move on but instead Rose smiled at her and asked “Will you be my friend?”
Jane didn’t know how to react but, not expecting to be held to it, she replied “Of course, as long as you’ll be my friend too.” Jane looked to Claire to check that her response was appropriate and by the smile on her face she judged that it must have been. She couldn’t understand why Rose liked her, let alone wanted to be her friend but she was only a little girl, Jane didn’t want to hurt her feelings .
“Come on Rose, we need to get our lunch and leave this lady in peace.” Claire took her by the hand and, reluctantly, Rose followed her Mother towards the food counters. Jane couldn’t help breathing a sigh of relief, she had spent much of her time avoiding people with children and she was fighting to control her emotions after the girl’s spontaneous gesture, it just seemed to serve as a reminder of what she would miss out on. So much for a quiet midweek shop, she mused. She turned back to her salad which she had been toying with and started to eat. She was about halfway through when Rose appeared at her elbow again with her mother puffing behind her laden with a tray of toast and jam for Rose and scrambled eggs for herself and a drink and dessert for each of them. “I’m sorry” she began plopping the tray on the table and motioning around the room “there aren’t any tables free, I know it’s a cheek but I was wondering if we could join you.” Jane could hardly refuse, it would be selfish and she didn’t want to be unkind, she hadn’t noticed it filling up so much and as a result she would now be stuck here while they ate, she could hardly leave with her lunch half eaten. They sat down and Claire fussed around Rose making sure she had everything she needed and cautioning her to make a minimum of mess. Rose has obviously heard this all before as she rolled her eyes at Jane over her mother’s shoulder, a cheeky one Jane thought, suppressing a smile, she knew she shouldn’t encourage her to be naughty.
They made small talk through lunch , Jane was surprised that the usual awkwardness between strangers seemed to be non-existent here. Soon it was time for them to go, she couldn’t help feeling empty and lonely now they had gone. It was like all the warmth of the day had been sucked away. Knowing she couldn’t string her lunch out any longer she returned her tray, collected her trolley and returned home.
She wandered around, looked at the post and felt a pang as yet another baby-related piece of advertising had dropped into her life and opened up the weeping scar again. She went to her place of solace the nursery, she hadn’t brought herself to tear down all the things that had been so lovingly created, a wardrobe full of clothes that would never be worn, books that would never be enjoyed and toys that would never bear the teeth marks of a baby that chews them and most heartbreakingly, the bear she was sure that Maisie would have fallen in love with, the bear that would now remain alone in the cot unloved.
She got through another week alone but she had made some resolutions, she wanted to turn over a healthy leaf. She and Pete were having enough problems moving on without her turning into the incredible blob. Now money wasn’t going to be so tight she could afford to splash out on some new clothes. Summer was fast approaching if she started eating better and exercising she might be able to get some slinky dresses. Perhaps then Pete would pass up some of these opportunities to travel and spend some time with her! She was going to return to work as well, three months away from the chatter in the office and she was beginning to miss regular adult contact, especially without the distraction of a newborn baby as she had been expecting. She didn’t know how her colleagues would be, some of them had been kind enough to attend Maisie’s funeral but others had stayed away, too awkward or too busy she supposed. She could pop into the office and arrange things after shopping. Her boss had left her return date open having muttered something about having cover arranged for maternity leave. She knew he had been trying to be kind but she had been a bit hurt. Everyone likes to feel indispensable and at a time when she was feeling low a little encouragement wouldn’t have gone amiss.
She pulled into Tesco and slotted into a space not too close to the store – she fitted into the confident able parking category! She went round paying more attention to what she was buying this week, plenty of fruit and vegetables, fresh meat, salad ingredients, even some herbs and spices.
She was examining two cartons of orange juice when she heard a familiar voice “Mummy, Mummy look it’s the special lady.” She turned to see an excited Rose pulling her mother behind her as she rushed to see Jane who was surprised that she even remembered her. Rose threw her arms around Jane. Instinctively she held her hands out to catch her and enveloped her in a warm embrace welcoming the close contact and taking in that childish smell of lavender shampoo and innocence.
“Nice to see you again!” she smiled and released Rose only to be hugged by Claire who had caught up by now and got her breath back! She was a little surprised by the pair’s forwardness but not about to spurn their friendship she hugged back. As she let go she felt awkward hugging an almost complete stranger in the middle of the supermarket.
Claire was smiling at her, “Rose hasn’t stopped talking about you” she said “she was hoping to see you again, she insisted on coming at the same time, we don’t normally come here you see, we go more local, we were only here last week because we were visiting a friend nearby.”
“I’m a regular I’m afraid” Jane replied smiling and couldn’t help reflecting that she too had found herself thinking about Rose during the week between supermarket visits. She had to admit that she had been hoping to shop without interruption as her emotions were still raw and she was already struggling to swallow a lump in her throat. Of course these people were only trying to be nice, grateful for her good turn but for Jane contact with children, especially girls just left her wound gaping! She had at least gained a new talent through all this heartache, the ability to disguise how she was feeling, she now had a false phone voice concealing her tears when she spoke to well wishing family members and friends, too fragile to admit how she felt in case she couldn’t dam the tears once they had started. Somehow these people seemed to make her feel more exposed, like the scar was seeping writing her story for everyone to see, the failure, the loss and the yearning for things to be different.
“Are you all right – you’ve gone awfully pale?” Claire interrupted her train of thought returning her to the present with a bump! Jane nodded and smiled and thanked Claire for her concern taking in her appearance properly for the first time. She hadn’t been able to see past the bump when they first met. Pretty, with shoulder length brown hair, her face mirrored in her daughter’s, there was a slight flush to her cheeks and she was dressed in jeans and a smock top. The world felt like it was spinning around her and Jane clutched onto her trolley for support her knuckles turning as white as she felt. Claire came nearer, concerned for Jane who looked as if a faint breeze could knock her over at any moment.
Before she knew it she was sitting in a table at the cafe with a steaming mug of strong tea in front of her and several sachets of sugar. Claire was opposite, and Rose beside her, happily tucking into a chocolate muffin.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be a problem, sorry,” Jane said embarrassment catching up with her, “Just a funny turn. I’m recovering from a ...” her voice trailed off but Claire leaned closer: “an operation” she finished hoping that matters would be left there.
Her hopes were dashed when Claire said “Oh you poor dear, I hope it was nothing serious, a young thing like you!” and that was it- the kindly words released the tears and emotions that Jane had been holding back for so long in a raging torrent. Claire just put her arms around her and let her cry and somehow Rose wormed her way onto her lap and clung to her neck. Finally the tears stopped and not wanting to tell Claire but having to explain herself, she finally admitted her awful truth to someone other than herself and family. “I lost my baby, she was still born, she was called Maisie and she was beautiful” Jane finished, her voice had the same hitches of the girls just the week before.everything had come out before Jane could stop it and now guilt and embarrassment took over. She tried making excuses and struggled to get to her feet. Claire took it all in her stride and just held her. When she released her they left together -both empty-handed, but in a curious way bonded. The emotional experiences they had shared had formed a friendship and they both had a new entry in their mobile phone memories. They hugged as they parted company, no more words had been exchanged, they weren’t needed. Claire bent down to pick Rose up, not trusting her to walk through the car park – and as she did so, her waters broke with a pop!
***********************
The next few hours passed in a blur. Jane drove Claire to the nearest hospital, having used her phone and Rose to locate her husband’s number and call him, she had discovered that the baby was putting in an early appearance being a week ahead of schedule and reassured Rose that Mummy was alright despite the strange panting noises and mooing she was doing. By the time John, Claire’s husband had arrived the baby was ready to enter the world. Jane soon heard the cries of a newborn and a pang of sorrow hit her as she remembered the last time she had been here, although then it had been her inside the delivery room. Rose was summoned into the room and, not knowing what to do with herself. Jane started to make her way down the corridor, tears coursing down her face. She heard the sound of running behind her and stopped making John, who was chasing her, stumble to a halt.
“She’s asking for you – Jane, right?” he said extending his hand, “I understand I have you to thank for my son not being born in the car park of Tesco’s” he added, escorting her back to the delivery room and holding the door open for her.
Jane summoned all her strength to keep her legs and bottom lip from wobbling, put a smile on her face and went in. Claire beamed up at her and looked a lot calmer than the last time Jane had seen her. Rose was beside her stroking, her new brother’s head gently, “Look what I’ve got” she squeaked excitedly. Jane went over to the bed and took a peek, the baby was lovely, sucking on his fingers and blinking at the new world that had appeared before him.
“We’re going to call him Luke” Claire said. “Would you like to hold him?” Jane shook her head, frightened at the prospect of handling a baby. John came back into the room, mobile phone in hand and came and kissed Claire, Rose and his new son “that’s everyone told” he grinned, “how come Luke’s godmother isn’t having a cuddle yet?” he asked.
“John!” Claire groaned, “I haven’t had a chance to ask, look” she said turning to Jane “this may seem a little odd being as we’ve only known each other for a small amount of time but we would be honoured if you would be Luke’s godmother.” Jane again choked back tears and just nodded as a little pink face swaddled in blue was placed into her arms. “Hello Luke,” she managed.
********************
Two years had passed and Jane was in Church listening to the vicar. “I baptise thee Faith Hope, in the name of the Son, The Father and the Holy Spirit” he intoned. Faith made a suitable squawk when she was doused with the Holy Water turning an angry shade of red, her fists balled up and feet kicking in protest at the unexpected bath. Jane beamed as the baby was handed to her and the rest of the ceremony was gone before she knew it. Outside they posed for photographs capturing the first of what would be many happy magical moments. They returned to the house for the party, corks flew and food was eaten, the sun shining its own blessing on the gathering. Jane stole a quiet moment away to give Faith a bottle.
“Welcome little one,” she said “a long journey, but you are worth the wait.” This was what Jane had been waiting for and the long wait of seven months, three weeks and two days since the approval had been given had been worth every second.
It had been a hard decision to adopt, but it was their only option. Jane was convinced they would be rejected at every step for medical, financial or emotional reasons but they had stood before the adoption panel and told they were approved as adopters on what would have been Maisie’s eighteen month milestone. That moment had been bittersweet and every day Jane had longed for the postman to come, bringing the letter that would tell them they were to be parents. When it finally came she couldn’t believe her luck, a baby girl left with no family other than elderly grandparents was to be placed with them as soon as possible following the tragic death of her parents. There had been raised eyebrows when Jane had applied for maternity leave which had started two weeks ago and now they were celebrating their daughter’s arrival. The books were back in place, the clothes freshly laundered and the toys waiting to be chewed. The special bear had stayed with Jane – some things could not be given away. A new bear was waiting for this little one.
“I have a present for you,” she told the suckling baby and reached down to the side of the rocking chair until she felt the soft fur. “This bear” she continued “will be your lifelong friend, always faithful and cuddly. Her name is Maisie” the baby pushed the bottle away and eyes as wide as saucers reached out for the bear hugging it towards her, at the same time Jane felt a warmth pass through the familiar smile on her tummy and she knew that Maisie was watching and had given her blessing. Smiling, she winded Faith, straightened both their dresses and rejoined the party, handing Faith to her godmother Claire while she talked to her guests.
Author's notes
This is a story I wrote for a creative writing course. I am interested in how we meet people and the effects these people then have on our lives. I am currently reworking this to make it into a longer piece as it was previously written to a strict word count, and I feel that the relationship between the characters deserves to be explored more fully.